Oh...... where do I begin. A comment from Jaclyn really got me thinking. She asked why protective factors cannot be made up for in a foster home. I will attempt to answer that from my point of view. As J- mentioned, this is just a vicious cycle. These biological parents came from disfunction and know no other way. There are many reasons why these factors cannot be addressed in a foster home. First of all, these children bring with them all of the anger and chaos that they experienced in their family of origin. A "normal" (I use this term loosely) household will look nothing like the one they knew. So to make it make sense to them, they will work hard to change it to what they know. Foster children bring much chaos with them. If we assume that a foster home should provide protective factors, than we must assume some other things as well. We must assume that the foster parents have a strong support system, that their social workers are informative and knowledgable, and that they are themselves motivated to go to any lenghts for the children in their care, and that the agency will provide services to the children as they need them.
As much as I would like to dog the system, I would like to say how displeased I am with other foster parents. I know many foster parents who make their "foster children" eat at different times than the rest of the family, or they don't take the "foster kids" on family vacations. I am all about preserving the family unit, but give me a break. These kids don't have a chance. People often ask we who is my "real" child and who is not. My answer is "I just don't remember any more". Foster parents should identify themselves as "a Foster" (as my daughter always says), but these kids should just be "kids".
I want to pause for a moment to say that I was not always the model foster parent (just ask the social workers who had to deal with me). But I did and will continue to do what I believe is in the best interest of the children I care for.
I recently had a discussion with someone about creating a Foster Parent Code of Ethics. As I pondered ethics this week, I thought of all the different perspectives people have when it comes to helping abused and neglected children. There are religious opinions, financial gains, etc. There needs to be higher standards for the substitute care givers in the lives of these broken chidlren. When I got into fostering, I was clueless (that 10 week course doesn't prepare you for a thing. Its kindof like childbirth prep classes teaching you how to breath calmly through 23 hours of labor-yeah right!). I think one goal of good foster parenting is that as an abused and neglected child reaches adulthood, they will be able to look back and remember that one time that someone loved them and they knew what a family looked like. And the greatest hope, is that they will aspire to that themselves. That might just be the greatest protective factor of them all.
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3 comments:
that was so well put, i'm not even sure what i can add. i come from the foster care worker's perspective - and to me, you are the "model" foster parent in that you advocate for whatever your children need. and you don't play into other people's need to make them different. i feel every day like i don't do enough for my foster kids. they need so much and i want to do it all because they deserve better. but unfortunately when you try to do it all all the time it wears you down and sometimes you feel powerless to do anything. even as i write this i feel like that's no excuse. (sorry - i digress) but we are working toward the same end and i think we both put protective factors in place for kids in different ways whether we realize it or not. and i am in awe of people who can do something so selfless as take other people's children into their homes!
I have often wanted to become a foster parent and this article was very informative on the correct way to approach the situation. It is upsetting to me to hear that some foster parents do not treat the children like part of the family. To me this is a mild form of neglect. This is the last thing that these children need. I hope that as a foster parent then I will be able to provide adequate care for these children who have been abused and neglected. I understand that it is more difficult to be a parent then to be a friend but these children need some form of normal life style. Many of these children never knew what it was like to have a parent that cares, to have three meals a day or even having a parent read a book to them before they went to sleep. The foster parents who are only wanting a paycheck for caring for these kids need to be worked out of the system if you ask me. My heart goes out to all children in foster care. I hope all of them will find one adult who can show them what it is like to have a normal childhood and to be loved like only a parent can love their child.
"Foster Homes"
The depth of insight written on foster parenting seems to be from a very thorough perspective. There are many qualified foster parents who genuinely desire to provide a nurturing and loving home for children who come from broken homes, homes of abuse or neglect, and possibly children who were born with addictions or diseases. Unknown to the child as to why he or she is addicted to a drug and is different from other children seems to be a huge responsibility. Unaware of the money provided for within the foster care system. Is it really enough money? As there is a perception that it costs between $100,000 to $200,000 to raise a child from birth to eighteen years of age. So for someone who is looking for just a paycheck who seeks foster parenting they should just seek a second job.
The safety of the child who is brought into a new home and the interactions with the other children should be observed closely within a healthy family setting as the anger and confusion a child may bring into the home, especially if the child or children have had many placements. The foster parent who welcomes a child, befriends a child, and allows a child or children to adjust to a new environment without placing unrealistic demands makes way for an appropriate relationship and trust and respect to be established. In doing so appropriate boundaries will be established with much time and effort. Unaware of the details involved in the training or certification required to become a foster parent. It seems that a parent or non-parent would want to research and gain knowledge on the affects of the psychological, emotional, affects related to the trauma of abuse or neglect, and any other topics that may exist.
When addressing people within family dynamics it seems that foster child or foster parent could have negative connotations. In fact, why not say bonus sibling or bonus child within the home as opposed to introducing my foster child or my foster sister?
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