Healing Attachment Disorder

I have spent the last 4 years parenting a child with an attachment disorder. The first two years we didn't have a correct diagnosis and my parenting skills actually made his condition much worse. Those years were pure hell for my family - all of us. But two years ago things took a dramatic turn. It was so very hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I don't think back then I could see the light. Two people knew he could get better and I chose to trust them. They were my lifeline in more ways that anyone could ever imagine. My son and I have spent the last two years working our tails off. But let me tell you the one factor that I think is the reason why we are about to start a new chapter in this story - MY REACTIVE ATTACHMENT CHILD WANTED TO GET BETTER. He has been the most inspirational individual who has impacted my life. I know that God has such a special plan for him. My sweet baby is about to start going to school again (slowly) after almost 3 years of being on the homebound program.

I have made some really stupid mistakes in the parenting of RAD kids, some because I was ignorant, some because I was stubborn and some because I was lazy. But I think somewhere along the way, I did some things right. By child is about to embark on a new journey that he has worked so hard for.

Attachment and bonding is in my opinion one of the most important aspects of early childhood. The effects of foster care and neglect should not be underestimated.

I never thought I wanted a tattoo, but maybe if my forehead read " I hate stupid people", I would be spared so much trouble

As in some other blogs, I am prefacing this by stating that if you are a social worker or any other professional who is easily offended, turn back now.

I have had some very interesting conversations this week. First of all, I was supposed to have an IEP for one of my children. However, the school obviously didn't know the rights of a parent of a special education student (although, they hand out Sp. Ed. Rights to parents at each meeting). They didn't know that the rights afforded to me were in the Alabama Code. So needless to say, no IEP.


Alabama Administrative Code § 290-8-9-.05(3)(b)
“Not less than one regular education teacher of the child if the child is, or may be participating in the regular education environment. The regular education teacher must, to the extent appropriate, participate in the development, review, and revision of the child’s IEP, including assisting in the determination of appropriate positive behavioral interventions and supports and other strategies for the child and the determination of supplementary aids and services, program modifications, and supports for school personnel.”

“a member of the IEP Team, as listed in (3)(b) through (e) above, may be excused from attending an IEP Team meeting, in whole or in part, when the meeting involves a modification to or discussion of the member's area of the curriculum or related services, if the parent, in writing, and the public agency consent to the excusal; and the member submits, in writing to the parent and the IEP Team, input into the development of the IEP prior to obtaining consent from the parent for the excusal of the required IEP Team member.”
Ala. Admin. Code § 290-8-9-.05(4)(b).


Had I had the personality of a sweet, calm, easy-going woman, my life would be so much easier. I see parents all the time who just have that "oh, it will be alright" attitude. Some days I wish that were me. But it's not, and so it is. I am once again the pain in the butt parent (Kristin - I know you know what I mean) who isn't satisfied. Please God, start putting smarter people in my path, LOL. I am going to have PTSD by the time I get my kids graduate from the public school system.

But lets move on. I actually had a conversation this week with a lovely woman who is in a position to make a difference in the life of another. But I can tell you now; she wont. Not because she doesnt care or she isnt concerned, but because it isnt enough to MOVE her. There are some like that. Lets always be moved to help our clients.

I just want to say that in the field of social work, or any field that involves working with other humans, we are going to come across stupid people ( I use that term loosely - rude, lazy, ignorant could all fit the bill). It will take effort to MOVE. My greatest weakness and greatest strength is one in the same. I am either hot or cold. I either am not concerned or I am intensely passionate on an issue. I am learning that lukewarm works well in some situations.

For those of you who have actually read this blog in its entirety - Thanks!! But I do have another question that I would love to have your feedback on.
"Do you think that a social worker can be accepting of a belief(s) professionally and that believe be something they disagree with on a personal level? Are they one in the same or can they be kept seperate. Let me know your thoughts."

Life Transitions - OMG!!!!!

I am completely changing course with this blog. I think I have had a sudden onset of ADHD and bipolar disorder over the last two weeks. I recently had an the opportunity to go away for the weekend with some friends and I think the upsurge of serotonin has created some significant brain changes. Seriously! I don't know if I needed a vacation more than my friends or if I am just in a different place in regards to my marriage than them, but they were calling home several times a day to check on everyone and I could have cared less. Don't get me wrong, I love my children, but there was no use fretting over whether they had baths or went to bed on time. My husband doesn't do things my way so why get worked up about it. I have needed to let go for a long time. Although fulfilling a childhood dream when your 30 isn't exactly the same as when you were 13, if was certainly the next best thing. I was able to fully walk away from all the stress in my life and fully immerse myself in pure fun.

In looking at Erik Erikson's stages of psychosocial development, I think I am at a point where I am renegotiating my relationship with others at this point in the game. I have been overly consumed with parenthood and it's responsibilities, that I have profoundly neglected myself. Starting school was certainly a catapult into this direction. I have been fighting it for months now. As Hutchinson points out in The Changing Life Course, " The young adult who is exploring and expanding identity experiences tension between independence and self-sufficiency on one hand and a need for connection with others and reliance on a greater whole on the other".

Since starting school, I think I view dysfunction in my life with a magnifying glass. How in the world do I have any business helping others when my life seems so screwed up? I am slowly beginning to realize that we all have issues. I am still not wholly satisfied with that prospect but am learning to deal. I have found that personal limitations are more evident to me and feel challenged to improve myself.


I suppose I have been rambling, but I don't think that my brain can move in any other direction at this point. The flood gates have opened and I am not sure if I am wearing my life jacket!!!!!!!

Multi-generational Relationship Patterns

As I navigate through early adulthood, I have been able to finally admit that my parents arent as stupid as I thought they were 15 years ago. I also am able to look at some of the things they said and did and realize how faulty they were as individuals. I have spent time reflecting on my childhood, almost as if I am reliving it through similar familial experiences with my own children. Early adulthood as a parent can bring back so many feelings regarding our own parents. I am young enough to remember how I felt when my mother announced a "surprise purse check". I was a good kid for the most part. I drank for the first time when I was 18, never did drugs, tried smoking but not really. Talking back was the worst thing I did, and I did it a whole lot.



I have recently become fearfull for my children. My oldest especially. I know how tough things can be and I dont want to have to see her go through the same things. I know I can not save her from all that life has to offer. I consider my life to have been fairly

Young Adulthood Effected by Childhood Abuse and Neglect

While I would not say that I am a childhood victim of abuse and neglect, I am no less effected by it. I can tell you that being the adoptive parent of children with this history has certainly effected me in adulthood. Abuse and neglect in early childhood has had a profound impact on my children's abilities to connect with me, their primary caregiver. They have behavior that is dysfunctional, unsafe and embarrassing. Can you imagine having children in your home who do not know how to love or accept love (you probably do if you have ever lived with a teenager!). I have had to make decisions that no other 23 0r 27 year old I know has ever had to make. By the time I was 26 years old, I already had 5 children and worked a full time job.

I think that in the field of social work, I hope to help individuals who have been victims of abuse and neglect. Their immediate family members need help too! Being involved in high stress situations can bring an additional form of trauma to a family. A mother who is raising a bipolar teen will need help too! These family members may be so focused on getting care for their loved one, that they forget to attend to their mental health needs. Our mock psychosocial assessment this week brought to light how there are issues that effect other family members. While the son was the one who seemed to have the presenting problem, it was evident that the mother had some needs as well. A holistic approach appears to be beneficial.

Protective Factors

This week I endured yet another mammogram that yielded the same results: spots that shouldn't be there. But WOW, look at all of the protective factors I have going on. I have parents who remain calm and collected (when I'm about to burst inside), I have friends who are always my prayer warriors, I have children that are sweet enough to pray for "mommies boobies" before our evening meal, and I have a husband that makes sure I have the health insurance. And I have a God that knows the master plan. There are also genetic protective factors (do genetics count as that?). No history of breast cancer seemed to make the surgeon feel better.

Even with all of these protective factors, I have utilized the assistance of a therapist. How could I, a middle class, everything going for me woman need help.? So lets look at the single parent, the uninsured, the mentally ill, the unemployed, those with unhealthy/dysfunctional relationships. How do they endure? Are those the ones who might abuse/neglect their children, look to self medicate, commit crimes, become abuse victims themselves? What will we as social workers be able to provide to them? What protective factor can we be for them? We can be their advocate, educator, counselor, and motivator.

Abuse and Brain Changes

Severe abuse and neglect in childhood, can sadly produce changes in the development of the brain. It is unlikely that these changes can be reversed. Nurturing a child is not an innate skill. But every time a mother, or primary caregiver, looks into the eyes of her infant, neurological connections are taking place. Brain development taking place in infancy through toddler hood is rapid and intense. When I was a young mother, I never fully realized the important connections that were being made. I frequently see parents who prop their babies bottle so that they may do other things. I am a multi-tasker, but this is precious time that makes a difference in the growth of little brains.

In 2000 McLean Hospital researchers identified four types of brain abnormalities linked to child abuse and neglect (http://www.mclean.harvard.edu/). "These changes are permanent," says Teicher. "This is not something people can just get over and get on with their lives." Another study by Harvard University concluded that the corpus callosum in abused and neglected children is smaller than normal in abused children. With a minimized ability for the two sides of the brain to communicate, shifts in mood and personality could be likely.

I went to a conference with Dr. Bruce Perry (visit his website if you get a chance: http://www.childtrauma.com/) and was enlightened in the ways that constant fear can bring about physiological and neurological changes. Many, if not most, can not be changed. A person does have the capability of learning how to manage their symptoms. The other day, I was reaching to get the salt from the kitchen table when my hand passed by my adopted son's face. He just about hit the floor. Even though he has been free from abuse for almost four years, there are automatic responses that he struggles to control to this day. There have been many corrective experiences to shape new responses, but it takes time. However, my son and our family have had the benefit of therapy to understand the resulting effects of abuse. I do not believe that many victims of abuse and neglect receive proper treatment. When that does not occur, individuals may look at self-medicating, engage in violent behavior, suffer from depression or entertain suicidal thoughts. If the time between the abuse/neglect and treatment is minumal, than the chances for brain recovery is greater. When looking at the life course perspective, it is important to recognize that there are neurologial causes for some behaviors.